Relearning to Do My Best. Again.

A week or two before Thanksgiving, I started feeling really crummy.  While I never really got sick, per se, I just had no energy, was having trouble with dizzy spells, weakness, etc.  I told myself I was probably just fighting off some infection or something (poorly, due to my pathetic immune system), and I’d feel better in a week or two.  But it was the beginning of a gradual consistent decline.  For a while we thought maybe the issue was a change that had been made in my medication, but it turned out that I had managed to contract mono (at my age!) from some unknown source.

As I wrote in The Four Agreements, by far the hardest point for me to follow is Always Do Your Best.

  • Your best is going to change from moment to moment;  it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to when you are sick.  Under any circumstances, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Yep, I suck at this.  Royally.  I don’t want to do Karen’s best.  I want to do Supermom’s best. AND Superwife’s best.  AND Supernanny’s best.  AND Superdaughter, Supergranddaughter, Supersister, Superfriend, and all the other Supers.  All at the same time.  Without fail.  I don’t care if I’m sick.  I can’t give myself a break just because I’m sick!

Ugh.  Alas, I was so dreadfully ill that I had no choice. I couldn’t do all the things I wanted to do.  I couldn’t even do most of the things that I NEEDED to do.  But that didn’t stop me from beating myself up for it.  If only I was stronger, or tried harder, or pushed myself a little more….

So I’ve had to reevaluate what is critical.  It’s especially hard this time of year.  I usually make home-made Christmas cards, and some home-made soaps.  Neither of those things are happening this year, and I hate it.  But it’s just not physically possible.  Intellectually, I know people will understand, but I still find it tremendously disappointing.  I tell you guys that Christmas doesn’t have to be Martha Stewart perfect to be memorable, and I believe that, but I still find myself striving for that ideal.  I have to constantly tell myself that my best today is not my best yesterday, nor is it anyone else’s best but my own.

If I get too down on myself, I actually end up accomplishing less than if I had just allowed myself to do what I am capable of, right now, in this moment.  Maybe one day I will actually learn this lesson.  I’ll keep trying.  And I’ll do my best.  🙂

How about you?  Does anyone else do this to themselves?  Does it make you feel better to know that you’re not the only one?

Advertisements

What Do YOU Think?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s